Orgasm Control Isn’t Forbidding. It’s a Sweet Little Ask

Forbidden.

That word never sat right with me.

When people hear “orgasm control,” most of them picture a woman forbidding a man to come. But “forbidden” is such a hard word. It made me feel like I was taking everything he enjoys away from him. And every time I felt that, it hurt me just as much as it hurt him.

Then one day, over text, he said this to me: “What you do isn’t really forbidding, is it? It’s more like you’re happy when I hold it for you. What if we called it a sweet little ask?”

Somehow that fit. I had always thought of myself as someone who was bad at asking for things. I want a hug, I want a kiss: I had never once been able to say what I wanted to a man. And yet here I was, asking him for the hardest thing of all, to hold back his orgasm, and he was saying yes.

Here is what the ask looks like. When he gets close, he always tells me, “I’m about to come.” I loosen my hand and don’t let him. The only days he’s allowed to come are the ones we decide together. About once every two weeks.

No coming every time. But I still want him to touch himself, and I still want us to have sex. I don’t want him to stop feeling good. To me, an orgasm isn’t a bad thing. I want him to feel that happiness too, and letting go has a purpose of its own. We tried three weeks, even a month, and found that past two weeks he gets used to not coming. The ache fades, and he becomes less sensitive. So about every two weeks I let him come once, and that brings back both his sensitivity and the ache of not being allowed to. That turned out to be the right length for the two of us.

Written out like this, it might sound as if I’m the only one getting what I want. But he tells me, “Holding it is almost unbearable, but I get to stay turned on for you all the time, and it makes you happy, so I’m happy.” And he keeps his promise, every time.

And that is what lets me be the one who gets to ask. Asking him to hold his orgasm. Being able to touch him whenever I like. Having him stay hard for me. Being brought to orgasm by him. I can ask for all of it because he keeps saying yes.

It’s such a hard thing to ask, and he keeps answering it. Every time he does, I feel how much he treasures me, and my heart is so full it almost hurts.

Each time he holds back for me, the trust between us grows a little more. Even when we’re apart, the fact that he’s holding it for me keeps us connected.

Not for one second have I taken it for granted. He’s the only one who would do something this hard for me.

Orgasm control isn’t forbidding. It’s a sweet little ask.

I want to keep him right there, aching and happy, for me.